GØÅT GÄÑG BLØG: GØÅT SÜPRÈMÄCY

RÈBÈLs RÄIDÈRs’ Army of Goats and Their Tactical World Domination (Send Help)

If you’re reading this, I need your help. My name is Nick Middaugh, and I’m usually dropping truth bombs on resilience over at www.nickmiddaugh.com, where I’ve swapped stories with Andy Stumpf on Cleared Hot, got some love from Bold Journey Magazine, and bared my soul on Soft White Underbelly. Not your typical blog writer, I know.

But right now? I’m a caffeinated wreck, mainlining coffee like it’s my last hope, stuck in some random barn that reeks of hay and tactical nylon. RÈBÈL, that horned dictator and tactical genius behind RÈBÈLs RÄIDÈRs, has me hostage. I’m not sure how I got here—one minute I was enjoying a nice hike, and the next? I heard some hooves coming through the thicket at Mach Jesus and some odd bleating mixed in with “MØÅR BLØG”. It seems he finally found me and decided writing from afar wasn’t good enough.

I’m underfed—my last “meal” was a crusty protein bar RÈBÈL tossed me, muttering, “ÈÄT LÏKÈ Ä GØÄT, WØRK LÏKÈ Ä HÜMÄÑ.” I’m overcaffeinated, my hands shaking like I’m rigging an Apothecary under fire, and I think I’m one bad meme reference away from being chewed on. So, here’s the unhinged tale of how RÈBÈLs RÄIDÈRs goats conquered the world, fueled by their tactical gear empire and Instagram meme chaos (@rebelsraiders). Someone send a burger, or maybe a SEAL team. Where’s Andy Stumpf and his helicopter when you need him?

The Great GØÄT Awakening: From M81 to Mayhem

It all started with RÈBÈL, the furry mastermind behind RÈBÈLs RÄIDÈRs. He’s found a way to sling some top-tier tactical gear like the Vakarian plate carrier system (only $250? Broh…you can’t “bleat” it) and tees like “In GØÄT We Trust” that fund goat rescues like Puget Sound Goat Rescue or Charlottes Farm. The core belief system? “BÈCOMÈ ÜNGØVÈRNÁBLÈ.” The Instagram (@rebelsraiders) is a meme goldmine—think goats in battle belts captioned “ØNÈ BÈLT TO RÜLÈ THÈM ÄLL” or synth-wave goats waving under neon skies hyping their “SYNTH GØÄT” tee. One post even shows a goat eyeing a Lamborghini with matches, tied to their “ØNLY GØÄTs” shirt that’ll fund torching a Lambo with a Thompson SMG. Chaotic? Yup. Necessary? Absolutely.

RÈBÈL wasn’t just a mascot rocking an M81 Woodland CAMO Vakarian. It all started when RÈBÈL picked a petting zoo lock with a carabiner from his 5.56 insert pouch, adding to his battle horde of goats in tiny plate carriers. I swear I saw him sprinting through the woods in one a couple of weeks ago—I should’ve known better than to cut through his home turf. He was plotting. Next thing, I’m nabbed and dragged to this barn, and forced to write propaganda while RÈBÈL nibbles my notes and bleats, “MØÅR BLØGS! HÝPÈ THÈ M81 DRØP!” His mom (yes, he’s got a mom) confirmed the restock, and now the world’s bracing for M81 Woodland CAMO gear—and GØÄT SÜPRÈMÄCY.

Tactical Hooves: The Conquest Plan

How’d they do it? RÈBÈLs weaponized his brand’s ethos: quality gear, affordable prices, and unhinged memes. Cyberwarfare became less about chewing cords and more about broadcasting GØÄT propaganda across the internet. While we were liking Instagram posts of goats in “GØÄT WAVE” tees (profits to Bleating Hearts Farm) or rocking micro chest rigs, they struck. One minute you’re doomscrolling and chuckling in your mom’s basement, and the next you’re being attacked by RÈBÈL’s finest. First, they took the rural areas—chewing crops, leaving farmers begging for mercy. “ÑØ MØRÈ MØWÏÑG”, RÈBÈL bleated, waving an M81 Apothecary in his mouth like a war flag. Humans caved, seduced by free lawns, dope GØÄT gang swag, and quality tactical equipment.

Cities fell like dominoes. New York? They call it “ÑÈW BLÈÄT”, with Times Square flashing images of salads and goats in tactical gear. Tokyo? Bullet trains are goat shuttles. London? They dumped all their tea into the Thames, wearing “In GØÄT We Trust” tees, shouting “ÜNGØVÈRNÁBLÈ!” like it’s 1773. Good thing that barge of biscuits floated past Tower Bridge, distracting a bunch of them, or those Brits might’ve rallied with pitchforks to save their precious tea. I tried tweeting an SOS, but RÈBÈL caught me, forced another coffee down my throat, and demanded “MØÅR M81 HÝPÈ!” My last pun got a bleat-chuckle, but now he said something about min-maxing in real life and that I ought to give it a try.

Humanity’s Baa-ttle Bust

We fought back. Armies rolled tanks, but the sheer number of goats in superior tactical equipment—and overall cuteness—overwhelmed them. Drones? Nibbled to bits by goats launching each other from catapults. My God, they’ve harnessed Roman technology and siege warfare tactics. I thought I was safe bugging out into the woods, but now I’m something of a scribe, typing hastily on a half-chewed laptop. I’m not sure where RÈBÈL got it, but, it’s running on Windows 7 and broken dreams.  I’m starving—RÈBÈL’s idea of lunch today was a half-eaten apple he “inspected.” Forget the protein, man’s straight up thinks I can survive on fiber alone. I asked for an MRE, and he just pointed to the hay mow while asking me why I was so hungry.

The Great Baa-ttle of 2025 was the end. Goats in micro rigs stormed the UN, bleating along to synth-heavy anthems emanating from the massive speakers atop the M1 Abrams tanks and other heavy vehicles they seized along the way. RÈBÈL headbutted the podium, declaring himself “Supreme GØÄT,” and leaders surrendered. They were so hypnotized by his M81-clad swagger that they damn near surrendered without a fight. Who could blame them? The M81 gear we’ve got coming absolutely fucks. Now, humans are gear testers, polishing hooves, sorting carabiners, and reading books about “order fulfillment”.

GØÄTØPÏÄ: M81 Madness

Life under RÈBÈLs RÄIDÈRs is a tactical nightmare comedy. Cars? Banned for goat carts. Currency? Dandelions and MOLLE clips. Schools teach “Tactical Bleating” and “MOLLE Webbing Manufacturing”, and I’m forced to document it all while they post memes like goats waving in neon or strapping on M81 Vakarians for “CQB” (close-quarters bleating). The brand still donates tee profits to rescues like Old Goats Home, but we’re the ones rescued into servitude. Latest decree? GØÄT-DÈPÈÑDÈÑCÈ DÄÝ: a day dedicated to reenacting their Lamborghini-torching fantasies in real time. I suppose it would be special, but, well, they torch those things every day anyways.

I’m clinging to my True Power resilience, praying for a band of rogue GØÄT defectors to save me. Until then, RÈBÈL’s pacing and bleating on about, “MØÅR PRØPØGÄÑDÄ ØR ÈLSÈ ÏT DØÈSÑ’T GÈT THÈ FÏBÈR”. So, make sure you follow us on your socials and check the website for updates on when we’ll be dropping the M81 Woodland CAMO gear that’ll make you ÜÑGØVÈRÑÄBLÈ (not to mention saving money on some quality, dependable gear). Follow @rebelsraiders on Instagram for memes that’ll make you laugh—or fear the #GOATPOCALYPSE.

Send food and water, I can’t keep mainlining espresso like this, but he isn’t giving me a choice. Send a blanket—it gets cold in here at night. Hell, send RÈBÈL’s mom to chill him out. You should also talk to your mom about using her credit card to pick up some killer T-shirt swag (it goes to good causes) while you wait for that M81 plug.

Share on X with #GoatWorldOrder or visit my website (www.nickmiddaugh.com) for my non-goat blogs where I write about Mental Health, Recovery/Sobriety, Philosophy, and my public advocacy journey thus far. You’ll find all my socials there. If you need help, ask your mom—I’ve got such a small following that I can keep track of who’s following me.

Disclaimer: This is a comedic, fictional blog inspired by RÈBÈLs RÄIDÈRs’ tactical gear and meme-heavy Instagram vibe (https://rebels-raiders.com/, @rebelsraiders). No GØÄTs are actually holding me hostage. Yet.